Great Laugh Floor Comedy Club Jokes

One of my DS13’s favorite attractions is the Monster’s Inc Laugh Floor Comedy Club, or the Laugh Floor as we call it.  He always bring a new joke already preprared to text to the number that they provide on the screen during the pre-show.  He’s successful about 70% of the time in getting his joke told by the character on screen.  It gives him a real gut laugh to hear his joke.

Perhaps your child loves humor as well, but doesn’t have a good joke handy?  How can he or she have their name mentioned on screen?  After reviewing the list below, do YOU have a good (clean, child-friendly) joke that you’d like to add?  Just post it in the comments below!

THE JOKES:

A tennis ball goes into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind in here.” … The tennis ball says, Fine! I’ll see you in court!

And why didn’t Nala trust Simba? Because he was the Lie-ing King!

Did you hear about the fight in the candy store? Two suckers got licked!

Do you pronounce the capitol of Florida ME-ami or MY- ami? Neither, it’s Tallahassee !

How do 101 Dalmatians cook? With spots & pans!

How do snowmen get around? By icicle!

How do you fix a broken pizza? Tomato paste!

How do you get a tissue to dance? Put a little boogie in it!

How do you wake up lady gaga? P p p Poke her face! (poker face)

How does Ariel get out of the ocean? Wet!

How does Justin Bieber cry? Like a baby baby baby oooooh baby!

How much do pirates pay to have their ears pierced? A buck-an-ear!

How often does a Chemistry teacher love jokes? Periodically!

Knock knock who’s there? Dwayne. Dwayne Who? Dwayne (drain) the tub I’m drowning!

Knock knock! Who’s there? Ya Ya. Ya Ya Who? Don’t get too excited, it’s only a knock knock joke!

Knock  knock, who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock, who’s there? Banana.   Banana who? Knock knock, who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?!

Knock knock. Who’s there? Brittany spears. Brittany spears who? Knock knock who’s there? Brittany spears. Brittany spears WHO? Oops I did it again!

Knock knock. Who’s there? Owls. Owls who? Why yes they do!

Knock knock. Who’s there? The interrupting cow. The interrupting cow w… MOOOOOO!

Knock knock. Who’s there? Who. Who who? Owls who. Knock knock. Who’s there? Moo.   Moo who? No owls who, cows moo!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Tank. Tank who? You’re welcome!

What Civil War general wore the largest hat? The one with the biggest head, of course!

What day do potatoes hate? Friday!  (Fry day )

What did Delaware? A New Jersey!

What did Mickey say when the sky was falling? Donald, Duck!

What did one potato chip say to the other one? Let’s go for a dip!

What did one volcano say to the other? I Lava you!

What did Snow White say after she dropped off her film to be developed? Someday my PRINTS will come!

What did the Alien say to the can of Coke? Take me to your liter!

What did the Mama buffalo say to the baby buffalo as he went off to school? Bison!

What did the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator? Close the door, I’m dressing!

What did the water say to the boat? Nothing, it just waved!

What did the zero say to the eight? Nice belt!

What do monsters wear to keep their feet dry? GHOUL-oshes!

What do you call a broken boomerang? A stick!

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef!

What do you call a deer with no eyes? I have no ideer!

What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn’t matter, he isn’t going to come anyway!

What do you call a fairy who doesn’t bathe for a year? Stinkerbell!

What do you call a fish with five eyes? A fiiiiish!

What do you call a fish with no eye? Fsh!

What do you call a lying noodle? An im-pasta! (Imposter)

What do you call a pirate who skips school? Captain Hook-y!

What do you call a prehistoric monster who is sleeping? Dinosnore!

What do you call a princess who does the limbo? Limberella!

What do you call a robot that always takes the longest route? R 2 Detour!

What do you call the invisible Star Wars robots? R2-C-Thru and C-Thru PO!

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!

What do you call Santa’s helpers? Subordinate Clauses!

What do you do with a blue monster? Cheer him up!

What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with fireworks? Dinomite!

What do you get when you cross a pole a tree? Poultry! (pole tree)

What do you get when you cross pooh and a skunk? Winnie the P.U.!

What do you call a train that sneezes? A choo choo train!

What do you get when your radio gets wet? Tuner-fish!

What does a shark eat with peanut butter? Jellyfish!

What does a Trekkie hang on his door at Christmas? The Wreath of Khan!

What does Winnie the Pooh and Bozo the Clown have in common? The same middle name!

What is a Leprechaun’s favorite furniture? Patty’O furniture!

What is a miners favorite pet? A goldfish!

What is brown and sticky? A stick!

What is Darth Vader’s favorite Disney song? When You Wish Upon a Death Star!

What is Grumpy’s favorite fruit? Sour grapes!

What is the difference between broccoli and boogers? Kids won’t eat their broccoli!

What is yellow and goes slam slam slam slam? A four door banana!

What kind of bees make apple juice? Applebee’s!

What kind of snake do you find on your car? A windshield viper!

What kind of tree can you hold in your hand? A palm tree!

What kind of witch do you take to the beach? A Sandwich!

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and shakes? A nervous wreck!

What princess never forgets? Cinderellaphant!

What time is it when Sulley sits on your fence? Time to get a new fence!

What vehicles do Disney characters drive? Minnie-vans!

What was Tigger doing in the bathroom? He was looking for pooh!

What’s a Zen hot dog? One with everything!

What’s green and sings Classic Rock songs? Elvis Parsley!

What’s the difference between Gopher and Winnie-the-Pooh? Gopher can get out of a hole!

What’s the internal temperature of a taun-taun? Luke-warm! (For all you star wars fans out there enjoy)

Where do lawyers eat? At the food court!

Where do mermaids go to the movies? At the dive-in theater!

Where did Ariel go when she had lost something? The Lost and Flounder Department!

Where does the hamburger go to dance? The meatball!

Where does the knight keep his armies? In his sleeve-ies!

Where was Noah when the lights went out? In d’ark!

Who was purple and conquered countries? Alexander the Grape!

Who’s buried in Alexander the Grape’s tomb? Alexander the Raisin!

Why are cooks mean? Because they beat the eggs and whip the cream!

Why can’t an elephant use a computer? Because he’s afraid of mice!

Why can’t Cinderella play soccer? Because she always runs from the ball!

Why did Cinderella quit the soccer team? She was always late to the ball!

Why did Donald’s foot smell? He just stepped on Pooh!

Why did Goofy wear two pairs of pants when he went golfing? Because he thought he might get a hole in one!

Why did Mickey cross the playground? To get to the other slide!

Why did Mickey Mouse cross the road? He wanted a mini (Minnie) vacation!

Why did Mickey Mouse go into outer space? He wanted to find Pluto!

Why did Pluto tell a joke? He was being Goofy!

Why did the animals in the jungle stop playing poker? Too many cheat-ahs!

Why did the bee get married? Finally found his hunny!

Why did the bicycle take a nap? Because it was two-tired!

Why did the cactus cross the road? He was stuck to the chicken’s rear end!

Why did the chicken cross the road twice? He was a double crosser!

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from Roz! She’s up on the screen, isn’t she?

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to your house!

Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!

Why did the football player go to the bank? To get his quarter back!

Why did the man sleep under the car? Because he wanted to get up oily in the morning!

Why did the monster cross the road? To prove that he wasn’t a chicken!

Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fungi! (fun guy)

Why did the pirate take his mother to the movie theater with him? Because the movie was rated “arrrrrrrrrr”!

Why did the punk-rocker cross the road? Because he was stapled to the chicken!

Why did the ram run off the cliff? Because he didn’t see the ewe turn!

Why did the suspenders get arrested? Because they held up a pair of pants!

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom!

Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw Mr. Green pea over the fence!

Why didn’t the banana marry the grapefruit? Cantelope!

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road? He didn’t have any guts!

Why didn’t Winnie the Pooh finish his dinner? Because he was stuffed!

Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel!

Why do ghosts make good cheerleaders? Because they have a lot of spirit!

Why do humming birds hum? Because they don’t know the words!

Why do sea gulls live by the sea? Because if they lived by the bay they’d be bay gulls! (bagels)

Why do some people regularly re-read The Lord of the Rings? It becomes a hobbit!

Why does it smell funny in here? Oh someone told a joke!

Why does Peter pan fly everywhere he goes? He can never never land!

Why does Santa have a garden? Because he likes to Hoe, Hoe, Hoe!

Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9!

Why is Cinderella bad at sports? She has a pumpkin for a coach!

Why shouldn’t you tell a joke while skating? The ice might crack up!

Why was it so windy at the hockey game? Because of all the fans!

Why was the rock mad at his friends? They took him for granite!

Will February March? No, but April May before June!